The Love I Left Behind

Because Ethan once told me, “I’ll take care of you,” I—an A-list actress at the height of my career—was forced to become a full-time housewife. In the third year of our marriage, I went through an embryo transfer alone at the hospital. That same day, he was sitting in a theater watching another woman perform onstage. When we divorced, he was certain I would regret it. But at the awards ceremony where I won Best Actress, he knelt before me with a bouquet of roses and said he wanted to pursue me all over again. The man beside me asked: “Mr. Cole, are you trying to win back my girlfriend? Because I’m afraid I can’t allow that.” Today was the day of my embryo transfer, and I came to the hospital alone. The doctor couldn’t help asking, “It’s such an important moment. Why isn’t your husband here with you?” I gave a bitter smile. “He’s busy with work.” The doctor sighed. “Having a baby is a matter for two people. How could he let you face this alone?” Of course I wished Ethan had come with me. But he’d said his schedule was packed. He had already signed contracts with other people, and breaking them would cost him a fortune. After the procedure, I felt a sharp, needle-like pain in my lower abdomen. I sat outside the examination room and sent Ethan a message. 【Honey, the transfer is done. We’re going to have a baby soon. I’m so excited!】 I left the chat and opened Instagram. After searching for “Ethan Cole,” I found a new post in his fan community. 【I went to see a dance performance and unexpectedly spotted my idol, Ethan Cole, in the audience! We even took a photo together. I’m so happy! Today was a successful day of fangirling!】 Attached were two pictures. One showed the fan with Ethan. The other was a photo of the performance ticket. I was confused. He couldn’t spare even two hours to come to the hospital with me, yet he had time to watch a dance performance? I searched the name of the show printed on the ticket and discovered that the lead dancer was Chloe Lane. She was a professional dancer who had won first place on a televised dance competition the year before. Ethan had performed at an awards show once, with Chloe as one of the backup dancers. I’d seen her during rehearsals. Something seemed to clench inside my chest. I searched for Chloe’s Instagram account. Her newest post had been uploaded ten minutes earlier. 【He said the way I shine onstage completely captivates him!】 The photo had been taken from the audience. I scrolled down. 【He said this dish is called “Two Hearts Holding Hands.”】 The thing that had been clenching inside my chest sank completely. That was the dish I had invented for our first wedding anniversary. I had come up with the name myself. Ethan had begged me to teach him how to make it. He’d promised that he would cook it for me in the future—and only for me. Now he had made it for another woman. I kept scrolling. The posts about him began a year and a half ago. As I looked through hundreds of sweet memories the two of them had shared, my finger trembled against the screen. My vision gradually blurred. I looked up and stared blankly around me. The person on my left was fanning herself with a little promotional fan. The person on my right held a palm-sized electric fan. Maybe the breeze from both sides was too strong. Goose bumps rose across my skin.That evening, Ethan came home in time for dinner—a rare occurrence. “Why haven’t you turned on the lights?” I didn’t know how I had gotten home from the hospital. Since returning, I had curled up on the couch. My mind replayed the five years from the day Ethan and I met, to the day we fell in love, to the day we got married. Ethan bent down and slipped his hand beneath my shirt, gently rubbing my stomach. His warm breath brushed my neck as his low voice sounded beside my ear. “Does it still hurt?” After ten straight days of hormone injections, the skin around my belly button was covered in tiny needle marks. I shouldn’t have had to endure any of this. But Ethan had a low sperm count, and our chances of conceiving naturally were extremely slim. I slapped his hand away, sat up, and stared into his eyes. He froze for two seconds before letting out a soft laugh. “Ava, what’s wrong? Who made you angry? Why are you looking so serious?” “Was the dance performance good?” “Huh?” His brows pulled together. He clearly hadn’t expected me to ask that. “Ethan, if you were truly busy with work, I could understand why you didn’t come to the hospital with me. But what about the truth?” “I was at the hospital, enduring the pain of an embryo transfer, while you were enjoying a dance performance. If I hadn’t seen that fan’s post, I would still be completely in the dark!” “Ava, you misunderstood. My assistant and I were handling some business near the theater. We were waiting for the driver to bring the car around when we happened to see the sign outside. We got curious and went inside for a look. We were out in less than ten minutes.” He looked completely sincere. If I hadn’t seen Chloe’s post, I might have believed his lies. I might even have felt guilty for doubting him. But I still didn’t have the courage to confront him and say that I knew everything—everything about him and Chloe. Ethan and I met at a friend’s party five years ago. At the time, he was a rising pop star, and I was already one of the most popular young actresses in the country. After the party, he pursued me relentlessly. Two years later, we fell in love and got married. At our wedding, he sang a song he had written especially for me. After we married, he continued to dote on me. He was patient, accepting, and gave me all the security I needed. But over the past year, his workload had increased, while the time he spent with me had steadily decreased. My instincts told me that something subtle had changed between us. Before, I had thought it might all be in my head. But now? Ethan went into the bathroom to shower. My phone rang, and I glanced at the screen. 【8:10 p.m.—Watch your husband’s new show.】 I had set the reminder a few days ago.I was Ethan’s biggest fan. Whenever he appeared on a new program, I always watched it on time. My mind was a mess, but I still opened the TV. During the game segment, Ethan lost. The host asked him to sing a song. Without hesitation, the host said, “I want to hear ‘My Romance Is Loving You.’” Ethan’s expression tightened. “That song doesn’t really fit today’s mood. Can we pick another one?” The host looked confused. “Why wouldn’t it fit? Today is May 20th.” That was the song he had written for me on the first anniversary of our relationship. At the time, he had been on a nationwide concert tour. “Today is the first anniversary of my relationship with Ava Reed. I wrote a song especially for her. It’s called ‘My Romance Is Loving You.’” The entire venue had erupted. I’d been sitting in the front row, crying so hard I could barely breathe as I listened to him sing. The host had turned the microphone toward the audience. “Does everyone want to hear it?” “Yes!” the crowd had shouted. In the end, Ethan sang it. I hadn’t heard him sing that song in more than a year. In my memory, whenever someone asked him to perform it, he had never once refused. Afterward, he would even take the initiative to share the story behind the song. Every time he did, I felt unbelievably happy. I had heard him sing it hundreds of times. How could I not tell that today, he wasn’t emotionally invested? He hadn’t put his heart into the song at all. At the end of the show, the host said, “Ethan has brought a brand-new song with him today. Please tell us about it.” “My new song is called ‘Dancing on My Heart.’ I hope everyone likes it.” As I watched him sing with complete passion, pain pulsed through my chest. That year, on that day, he had held me and promised, “I’ll only ever write songs specifically for one woman in this life—Ava Reed.” Now he had done the same thing for another woman. And he was even avoiding the song he had written for me. How ironic. The bathroom door opened, and Ethan stepped out wrapped in a towel. His sharp features. His firm chest. His sun-kissed skin. He looked exactly as he had when I first fell in love with him. Noticing me staring, he teased, “Are you mesmerized by my body?” I quickly turned away and pointed at the television. “How come you never told me you released a new song?” He froze. I continued, “ ‘Dancing on My Heart.’ That’s a pretty good title.” I was smiling as I said it, but my heart was aching. He looked as if he had just remembered something. “I’ve been so busy lately that I forgot to tell you. It was just a song I wrote on impulse.” I kept the faint smile on my lips. “Oh? What inspired such a powerful creative urge from our superstar?” He rubbed the tip of his nose. “I watched a dance program and was inspired.” A dance program had inspired him? He lied so easily now. As I watched him walk toward the bedroom, he suddenly felt like a stranger. He was nothing like the boy in my memories—the boy whose face turned red and whose words stumbled whenever he lied.The next morning at breakfast, Ethan said, “There’s a business event. I’ll be out of town for three days.” “That came up suddenly.” “Yeah. My manager texted me as soon as I woke up.” “Listen to the doctor and stay in bed. Don’t move around too much. If you want anything, ask Mrs. Wilson to make it for you.” I touched my stomach. Could the baby already be there? Before yesterday, I had desperately wanted a child that belonged to Ethan and me. I had been willing to endure all those injections and medications. But now, I hesitated. After Ethan left, I couldn’t stop myself from opening Chloe’s Instagram again. 【He promised he would never sing that song again, but he broke his promise.】 Attached was a screenshot of a chat. The messages had been blurred, but Ethan’s profile picture was still visible in the shadows. Ethan had apologized to Chloe, called her “Baby Girl,” and transferred her $52,100. Chloe had saved Ethan in her contacts as “Big Baby.” I suddenly realized that Ethan hadn’t called me that in a very long time. His Baby Girl was still there. She just wasn’t me anymore. On the third day after Ethan left, I saw a video about him while scrolling through short clips. The headline read: 【Ethan Cole spotted shoulder to shoulder with a woman at an upscale restaurant, where they met with director Daniel Carter.】 I downloaded the video and sent it to Ethan. 【New assistant?】 Four hours later, he finally replied. 【Not an assistant. She’s a friend. She wants to enter the entertainment industry, and Director Carter happens to be preparing a new project. I introduced them.】 Of course I knew she wasn’t his assistant. I had asked the question because I wanted to see what he would say. 【She has a great look and really loves acting.】 A great look? Loved acting? Those words stabbed straight through my heart. I challenged him. 【Ethan, aren’t you being a little hypocritical? You used to say the entertainment industry was complicated and dangerous. You called it a pit of fire. Why are you pushing your friend into it now?】 Before Ethan and I got together, I had already starred in several hit productions and successfully become an A-list actress. But after we married, he told me the entertainment industry was too complicated and that someone as innocent as me didn’t belong there. He told me to stay home and be a full-time wife. He would take care of me. At first, I didn’t want to. I had loved acting since I was a child. Starting at age eight, I had begged my parents to take me to film sets during summer vacation so I could play small roles. At eighteen, I was accepted into one of the country’s top film schools. Ethan knew how much I loved acting, yet he still asked me to give up my dream.Now that Chloe wanted to act, he didn’t stop her. Instead, he opened doors for her. 【Your situations are different.】 I asked him: 【How are they different?】 He changed the subject. 【Forget it for now. I have to get back to work. Oh, and I won’t be home tomorrow. Another job came up, and I’m not sure when I’ll be back.】 He avoided my question. But I already knew the answer. This had never been about whether the entertainment industry was complicated. He simply couldn’t stand the idea of his wife shining brighter than he did. So he had strangled my dream and cut off my path forward. He trapped me at home and made me treat him as my entire world. Chloe, on the other hand, was less successful and less famous than he was. He needed to take her into a bigger world so he could show off his charm and make her admire him. In the days that followed, I checked Chloe’s Instagram several times a day. They went surfing on an island and soaked up the sun on the beach. They hiked through the mountains at night and took pictures together at sunrise. They stayed in a forest resort, waking up to the scent of nature. They wandered through food streets in different cities, enjoying the ordinary pleasures of life. Ethan and I had done all those things together once. The last time we traveled together had been a year and a half ago. I kept telling myself: Ava Reed, he isn’t the Ethan you loved anymore. He loves someone else. Wake up. The day came for my blood test. While I waited for the results, I was filled with anxiety. Over and over, I prayed that I wouldn’t be pregnant. But things didn’t go the way I wanted. The test report clearly stated: Positive. What was I supposed to do? I opened my chat with Ethan and typed out a message, then deleted it. I repeated the process three times. In the end, I couldn’t send it. I wanted him to know. But I didn’t want him to know. I wandered aimlessly through the streets, watching people pass around me. Inside, I felt hollow. I had no idea where to go from there. I was only walking down the street. I never expected to become the subject of an entertainment headline the next day. 【Former starlet Ava Reed left the entertainment industry for love. Now visibly heavier, she has lost all her former glamour.】 The paparazzi had photographed me the day before. While trying to conceive, I hadn’t controlled my diet. On top of that, the fertility injections contained hormones, and I had gained more than ten pounds in a short time. I looked completely different from the glamorous woman who used to appear on camera. Some people mocked my body in the comments. Others guessed that I was pregnant. Some even said I was no longer good enough for Ethan. That was when Ethan suddenly called me. I thought I should tell him I was pregnant. But the moment I answered, his voice was full of disgust and impatience. “Ava, how did you gain so much weight? And how could you be so careless as to let the paparazzi photograph you? You’re making me look bad. Sign up for a gym and lose some weight.”